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Jackson Werner
Jackson Werner was born in London but re-invented by Carson Sue on the moon in 1768 AD. He went on to do absolutely nothing in life. That's right, you just wasted ten seconds of your life learning about this totally useless person. You still feel good about yourself? You shouldn't, you're an ugly bitch (unless of course your name is Jackson). Go fuck yourself. Ok, no. Not really. This is the true story of Jackson. But you can still fuck yourself though. The Birth of a Pimp (if that's what you wanna call him) Jackson Werner was born a small orphan in London, London in 1753. He had no parents because he was an orphan. He wandered the streets of London and did so until 1767. In 1767, he was scarred for life when he walked into a gay brothel that he thought was a hot dog stand (the sign read FREE WEINERS). Now with his life ruined, Jackson lay down in a dump and started crying like a little bitch. Then his life changed forever. Carson the great found him and totally didn't kidnap him to his house. Carson used advanced technology to probe Jackson's memory, but the only thing that he found was a frightening memory of being raped by a hairy 5'6 German guy in leather boots. With this, Carson realized that Jackson was the perfect candidate for his new line of cyborg prostitutes that he was soon going to release to the public. However, Carson went through a very difficult process to make Jackson a cyborg. In addition to shoving a computer up his ass, Carson performed a very intricate experiment and made Jackson a cyborg sex god. However, Jackson wasn't that great. His memories gave him the impression that he was modified to like men. He became very confused and bad at sex, so Carson Sue fired him. Angry, Jackson sued Carson. It is theorized that Jackson was in collaboration with Carson's arch nemesis, Aric Winters. Jackson v. Carson in Court Jackson hired a lawyer for this case, named Douchebag McGee. He sued Carson for a million bajillion dollars. However, Carson hired expert lawyers and easily beat Jackson. On the way home from the court case, Jackson was again raped by a strange figure named cirA sretniW, who left him on the street in a pile of dirty socks to die. Having pity, Carson rescued Jackson and brought him home. He completely wiped Jackson's memory and reprogrammed him to be a straight sex god. The New Jackson Now unaware of his origins, Jackson became a god amongst sex icons. He quickly rose to power and became a cyborg pimp. He dealed quick and swift (like Aric's mom), rising to notoriety in the underworld in unheard of speeds. Multiple gangs sent out a hit on him. This got Carson bad attention, so Carson confronted Jackson. In a fight, Jackson broke off from Carson and ran away, crying like a bitch again. Jackson wandered through the town, confused about where he belonged until he ran back into the FREE WIENERS place where he'd started his journey. The same German prostitute tried to attack him, but Jackson grabbed him by his penis and murdered him. Realizing that this was what he was destined for, Jackson turned to a life of evil. Whore War Three and Jackson's Downfall Now evil, Jackson rallied his gang of prostitutes and started a war against Carson Industries. To this day, this series of events is called Whore War Three. Jackson relentlessly seduced Carson's friends into his prostitution service, ridding Carson of many of his allies. It is also around this time that Jackson killed Nickolus by anon hate, inciting war against the mighty lord Shrek. Angrily, Carson turned into a unicorn and flew to Jackson's house in his neon pink limosine. There, he anal-blasted Jackson and over-rided his programming, making him incredibly sexually confused. He then ripped Jackson's penis off, making sure that he could never again make whoopee. Carson exiled Jackson, desolving his pimp gang. Carson took all of Jackson's employees and made them his own personal sex slaves. To this day, they are still fulfilling his personal butt pleasures. Exile in Arizona Jackson was banished by Carson to Arizona. Penis-less and sexually confused, Jackson went into the Grand Canyon and hid in a little cave. In the cave, he made a new friend; a rock whom he named Albert. Albert was very kind to Jackson and taught him that villainy was not the true way. Dismissing this as ¨hippy shit¨, Jackson left the cave and started out. On the way out, Jackson ran back into Aric, who was currently a piece of french toast from his marshmallow escapade. French toast Aric threatened Albert with a knife, and Jackson was helpless. As soon as Aric insulted Jackson for having no penis, Jackson went ballistic. He mauled Aric, beat him up, and then finally ripped off his dick and put it on himself (Aric was french toast, so Jackson was technically walking around with a strip of French Toast where his wang should've been). Aric ran away in fear, but Albert died. Jackson swore to become a better person to Albert. He left to become a hippy. Jackson's Final Years Jackson became a hippy. He started a quest for world peace and even managed to legalize marijuana and gay marriage. Jackson did a shit ton of drugs, and they fucked with his circuitry. Because of this, his body caught on fire and burned away his french toast dick, reminding him of his true nature. In one last final bold move, Jackson defied Albert's wishes. He sold all of his drugs and became really rich. He spent all of his money on a giant middle finger statue and had it placed right in front of Carson's house. At the opening ceremony of the statue (which Carson and a dickless french toast Aric both attended), Jackson made a big huge speech that was beautiful and sweeping. Here it is, recorded by a bystander: ''Fuck you, fuck you, you're a bitch... you're cool (said to Aric's mom), fuck you, I'm out bitches. '' Jackson died right there (probably from the AIDS he'd gotten from either gay German sex or his french toast penis), a smile on his cybernetic face. Feeling bad for his old employee, Carson took the middle finger statue and planted a garden of potatoes around it. Jackson was buried underneath the statue, symbolically flipping off the entire world from the grave. Jackson will always be remembered as a sexually confused jackass with a computer up his butt hole, and he cried like a little bitch a lot. (and yes, Albert was finally buried with Jackson)